Sometimes there are no solutions, at least not immediate ones, so all you have to do is sit it out. Things will sometimes work themselves out when you do nothing. At 31 years of age you will make an unlikely friendship with someone who sells eggs. One evening you will be called by the barman at Azalea that you need to move your car and you will step out to find him hot under the collar because you are the idiot who blocked his exit. These are days you will drink red wine like a precious guy in touch with his feelings.
A friendship will ensue. Some solid relationships will be born of conflicts. Time is sand in wind. It will literally dissolve. There will never be a better paying job. Save because as sure as death and taxes, winter is coming. At 33 you will work very briefly for a very nasty mixed-race couple. Terrible, terrible human beings. You will feel so tired going to work in the morning and even more tired leaving work. One of them — the husband — will often write you deranged emails in caps.
The exclamations and questions marks would exhaust me more than the emails Sometimes he will shout through the glass-wall that separates your office from his, an overgrown wazzock, throwing his toys out of his pram. You will never have a job that fills your heart with such hate and loathing. One evening, as you work late, things will come to a boil and you will finally grow a pair and stand up to him.
A week later you will write a resignation letter in a flight to Mombasa and when you land you will press send and suddenly you will feel lighter. You will be fearful of the future because you will be a father. But from this couple from hell you will learn something vital; the importance of self-worth and peace of mind. Some jobs diminish you as a human being, filling you with poison, making you feel small. You will also learn that you will be fine. And that things work out, eventually. Nobody will tell you not to get married before We hate loud things!
You will be so sad. Then you will tell everybody about it. Oh, the bad man took away my lotion. At years you will meet and work for a phenomenal man called Mr.
Ehsani who owns an upmarket mall. He will be a very nice and calm man who collects exotic swords from all over the world and hangs them on a wall behind his massive desk.
He will be important because, apart from being wise and generous with pearls of advice, this is the man who will give you an interest free loan to buy your first car. You know how first cars are, you will want to sleep in it. Nobody is born confident. Confidence is like how those Kisiis build their homes in Ongata Rongai; brick by brick while they sleep in one of the rooms. They build it from the inside. Confidence is built from the inside, never the outside. So fill yourself with things that build you.
Of course you will be heartbroken. There is always that woman who will crush you. Ass like a rainbow. When she breaks your heart everything will hurt. You will even feel the hurt when you brush your teeth. You will not want to wake up in the morning. Then one day you be will fine. You will draw the curtains again.
There will be girls. OK, not all, some will wear bad knickers. At 26 you will take up the best habit of your life; running. Running will empty your mind. It will teach you discipline. It will refresh you and keep you fit. It will also help with your hard-ons. You will meet other runners and forge friendships. Most importantly it will keep your heart young and strong. You have to be in theater to see them born. One will come at years. You will stare at her feet as she lies there covered in goo under that heater that doubles as weighing scale; 4.
While shopping for her abroad you will constantly be placing the flat of your palms against the sole of a shoe because their feet grow so fast. She will steal your heart. Another one will come at This one will steal your soul.
Problem with children is that they will fill you with deep worry in equal measures as they do with love. They leave you constantly afraid. Fatherhood is a bed of fear. You can take all manner of insurances for them, to protect them, but you always remain helpless with respect to other elements like terminal diseases or accidents or people touching them inappropriately. There is no insurance against terribly horny boys who want to impregnate your daughter at Or lewd psychotic men who stare at year old girls.
Just before you turn 40 you will choose yourself first. You will choose you above everything else and your closest and dearest will think you are crazy and selfish and mad. And for a while guilt will jump into bed with you every night and you will sleep with the lights on because in darkness guilt occupies more space. But then one day you will switch off the lights and you will sleep. Or a cabin by the lake.
You will be a working man, making ends meet, hamster on the rotating wheel. Some days you will look over at your best friend who owns a house and feel some form of lingering failure. You will also learn that looking over the fence keeps you from looking at your own little triumphs. And they are many, these triumphs; you are healthy and free from disease, you have a lucid mind that is productive, you have a vocation that you are lucky for and you have lovely children who love you and hopefully like you and you have at least five people you can call when shit hits the fan and they will come to your aid.
Most importantly, you are here. And you have internet. You still have so much fight in you left and if God gives you more years you will still keep your best foot forward. Just be your best version of happy. Be selfish about it. Your mom will die. Days after the burial you will sit on the verandah in shags, empty and hollow like a dead tree and you will stare at, without seeing, the large wreaths on her grave now dry from the sun.
Good news is that it will get better but it will never be the same. She will always look as ravishing as she looks now.
At 40 you will have many existential questions. What bearing does mortality have on your dreams? How does one get to the curve of contentment? Why does Octopizzo with his K followers on Instagram follow only two people? You can change your mind as many times as you wish. So what if you wanted an apple last week and today you want nothing but groundnuts?
While the grave is fresh one of your siblings will ask you about him and you will say you are done with him and that level of superficial friendship that is conducted in bars. I changed my position about him. Adjust them and nobody will ever disappoint you.
Hard to believe but at some point men will start wearing colourful socks that they call Happy Socks. This is because happiness will be derived from things.
They will take pictures of the said happy socks and upload them on this thing called Instagram which you need to know now, is a mirage, a smokescreen, make believe.