The Unicorn The Unicorn is totally normal and well-adjusted. He has a good job, and makes a decent living, but is not a workaholic. He is funny, and well-informed, and cooks a mean pasta bolognese.
He has friends from all periods of his life with whom he is still in touch. He is not an alcoholic, drug abuser, or porn addict. He is easy on the eyes, or even hot. He is taller than you. The Unicorn longs wistfully to meet his special someone, to lay his head in your lap to watch HBO on Sunday night after a weekend full of chores and friends and family, and to wake up with you on Monday mornings in perpetuity.
The most important thing to know about The Unicorn is that, as his name implies, he does not exist. He is either faithful, in which case you should concentrate your energy on trying not to hate his wife for her obscene good fortune, or cheating, in which case you should concentrate your energy on hoping he falls down and breaks his ankle, at a minimum.
Either way, he is not for you. The Eeyore Poor Eeyore. He sure can mope, though. He lives somewhere grim and bland, with unadorned white walls and no headboard. The bulk of his emotional energy goes to nursing his great scabby wound, carefully enlarging it day by day. The Peter Pan Oh, Peter. He is so cute in those tights. His childlike enthusiasm for life helps you unearth the old, fun you, who stayed up drinking until the bars closed and talking until the sun came up.
Sadly the old you, like the current Peter, did not have a job that required leading staff meetings at 9 a. At some point in your relationship with Peter, you will remember the benefits of 8 hours of sleep and sufficient hydration, and you will gradually become the buzzkill who starts tapping her foot impatiently when Peter orders another round at 10 p.
Best chance with Peter is to meet him when you are 25 and perhaps grow up together. Wave bon voyage to that ship, for it has sailed. Saturday Night is a big success. Saturday Night smells good and drives a nice car, which he valet-parks with assurance at trendy restaurants.
He owns a well-furnished condo in a high-rise, with black leather modular furniture and an unused kitchen. With his carefully mussed hair, gym membership, and backslapping affability, Mr. Saturday Night is half overgrown frat boy and half metrosexual, but all narcissist.
The most important thing to know about Mr. He condescends to waiters, interrupts your sentences, elicits a weary if wincing acceptance from colleagues, and has a little too much body hair to be overlooked in light of his other bad traits. The Braying Ass subscribes to Maxim. He is confident for no good reason. He is a little too close to his mother, who loves him with a fierce and unsettling passion. He has an annoying, honking laugh, but nice eyes and a good heart.
The most important thing to know about The Braying Ass is that he is not ideal, but he actually looks pretty good in some lights.
Some of his bad traits are just habits that can be reversed in time, but some run far deeper, and you will be cringing about them at dinner parties ten years from now. Make that 40 years if your kids inherit them.