Now is the time for all Cracked readers who complain about my swearing to get their dicks nice and hard on their high fucking horses, because FetLife-esque messages are the fucking worst, and I can't talk about it without throwing out enough curse words that I'd go broke if someone slipped a swear jar in front of me. Look, unless you give me a reason to, I don't give a fuck about the way you want to tinkertoy your dick with someone else's genitals, but there is a time and a place for everything.
No one wants to hear about what revs your dick up on the first date. Park that shit in a garage until at least the third date like a normal person, goddamn. If you're looking to base an entire relationship around some kink, go to FetLife and leave me the fuck alone. If you don't know what FetLife is, stop lying and go to FetLife already. Just because you're online doesn't mean the basic rules of social interaction suddenly don't apply.
If you came up to me in public purring about wanting to be my daddy, I would mace you so fast that you'd be clawing your own eyes out while wondering what in your fairy tale age-play life went wrong. I use the cute kind, though. Continue Reading Below Advertisement Let me tell you right now -- it went wrong the second you asked some random woman to call you daddy.
You can purr right up your own asshole with that shit. Y'all need 50 shades of Jesus and some sensitivity training. One guy who I kindly told to get the fuck away from me with his slave fantasy protested that FetLife wasn't as well-known so a lot of people were "resorting" to OkCupid.
Here ya go -- FetLife exists! Go do your power play and your vore and all that shit over there, and stop "resorting" to asking young women to be your sex slaves. Your fetish doesn't take precedent over a woman's right not to fucking deal with that shit. There are thousands of questions, and the more you answer, the more accurate your match percent will be.
Some of the questions are benign, some are about how socially liberal or conservative you are, some are about what you're expecting from a relationship, etc.
When you look at someone else's profile, you can see how much of a match that person is with you, and can look at the questions that you disagreed on. If you don't match, they literally call that person your enemy. It's a remarkably easy system to master. Nevertheless, messages like the one above arrive in my inbox almost daily.
Someone sent me a Cracked message once saying I was "very tumblr," and I'm not for one second pretending that shit isn't true. My OkCupid profile makes that shit abundantly clear. I literally use the word "kyriarchy" in my bio, have Audre Lorde listed as my favorite author, and set my profile picture to me doing a Rosie the Riveter pose at my first pride parade. Continue Reading Below Advertisement Only two of those are true but at that point, does it matter which one's a lie?
I'm not even talking about the messages from men who are mad at my profile and send me "cumslut" messages -- y'all are boring and need to get a hobby or spend time with your mom or something. Get your lives together. No for this, I'm talking about messages from people who are like, a 25 percent match but then act all surprised when I shut down their advances. I mean, you answered match questions saying that there are times when women owe you sex and that you think race and intelligence are correlated.
If this was NextBus, your three fun facts would be "still says 'no homo,' has completely overreacted to a perceived slight in a bar, questionable reading comprehension. On my profile, it clearly states that I'm looking for men and women who aren't more than 10 years older than me. I get a lot of messages from older men, men who exceed that age range by 15 to 20 years.
If you didn't watch at least one episode of a VH1 dating show, you are too old for me. If you watched Rock of Love With Bret Michaels and had any idea that Brett Michaels was like, an actual celebrity rather than some random old dude, you are either too old for me or slightly more culturally aware. This is fairly tame, but I've gotten enough weirdly backhanded compliments that this is clearly an approach that men think will work.
To anyone who "negs" -- I am laughing at you. The world is laughing at you. If the only way you can get someone to touch your cock is by exploiting women with low self-esteem, you are just as pathetic as you secretly worry you are.
There isn't a whole lot else I can say about this one. I am listed as bisexual because "idk, idc" is not an option, unfortunately. OkCupid has a function where you can hide your profile from straight users, but I don't use that function because I'm lucky enough to not have to worry about my safety due to my sexual orientation, and despite everything listed above, I don't want to rule out all of the straight male population.
Continue Reading Below Advertisement However I don't want to have a fucking threesome, I don't want to be marked out as highly sexual, and I don't want you shoving your dick in the conversation any more than I would if I was exclusively heterosexual.
I don't care how big your dick is. I don't care what you and your girlfriend are looking for. It's not like I'm vehemently anti-threesome or whatever, but contrary to popular opinion, being bisexual isn't a synonym for hypersexual. Like, do you think that porn is real and bisexual women are gonna throw down on you and your friend's genitals like a fucking Golden Corral buffet?
Just because I can, in theory, be attracted to both you and your girlfriend doesn't mean that I'm automatically attracted to both of you, nor does it make it any less rude to ask me to spice up your sex life or whatever right off the bat. Also, any "scheming gays" out there should hit me up; there's definitely an Ocean's 11 sequel in here somewhere. For more from Alice, follow her on Twitter milkwench.