Seen on Tumblr , along with associated discussion: Nobody is the villain of their own life story. Everybody thinks of themselves as an honest guy or gal just trying to get by, constantly under assault by circumstances and The System and hundreds and hundreds of assholes. They really believe it. You can see how every insult, every failure, no matter how deserved, is a totally unexpected kick in the gut. The thought of doing any of those things sickens you now.
There is too much anguish in the world already. You feel like any of those things would be a violation. You knew, in a vague way, that men thought about sex all the time. Is it even legal to fantasize about that? You want to be disgusted with them.
You become a forest ranger. Not the type who helps people explore the forest. The type where you hang out in a small cabin in the middle of the mountains and never talk to anybody. The only living thing you encounter is the occasional bear. It always thinks that it is a good bear, a proper bear, that a bear-hating world has it out for them in particular. You do nothing to disabuse it of this notion. Green The first thing you do after taking the green pill is become a sparrow.
You soar across the landscape, feeling truly free for the first time in your life. You make it about five minutes before a hawk swoops down and grabs you. Moments before your bones are ground in two by its fierce beak, you turn back into a human. You fall like a stone. You need to turn into a sparrow again, but the hawk is still there, grabbing on to one of your legs, refusing to let go of its prize just because of this momentary setback. You frantically wave your arms and shout at it, trying to scare it away.
Finally it flaps away, feeling cheated, and you become a sparrow again just in time to give yourself a relatively soft landing. After a few weeks of downtime while you wait for your leg to recover, you become a fish. You become a great white shark, apex of the food chain. You will explore the wonders of the ocean depths within the body of an invincible killing machine. Well, long story short, it is totally unfair that colossal cannibal great white sharks were a thing and if you had known this was the way Nature worked you never would have gone along with this green pill business.
You escape by turning into a blue whale. Nothing eats blue whales, right? You remember that from your biology class. It is definitely true. The last thing you feel is a harpoon piercing your skull. Blue Okay, so you see Florence and Jerusalem and Kyoto in an action-packed afternoon. You teleport to the top of Everest because it is there, then go to the bottom of the Marianas Trench.
You go to the Moon, then Mars, then Titan. These turn out to be even more boring. You wonder how the Curiosity Rover lasted so long without dying of boredom. You go further afield. Alpha Centauri A has five planets orbiting it. The second one is covered with water. The fourth has a big gash in it, like it almost split in two. The fifth has weird stalactite-like mountains. What would be really interesting would be another planet with life, even intelligent life.
You teleport further and further afield. Not so much as a sea cucumber. You head back to Earth less and less frequently now. You start to think the Milky Way is a dead zone.
Orange You never really realized how incompetent everyone else was, or how much it annoys you. You were a consultant, a good one, but you felt like mastering all human skills would make you better. So you took the orange pill. You could write their system in half the time. The layout of their office is entirely out of sync with the best-studied ergonomic principles. And the Chinese translation of their user manual makes several basic errors that anybody with an encyclopaedic knowledge of relative clauses in Mandarin should have been able to figure out.
You once read about something called Gell-Mann Amnesia, where physicists notice that everything the mainstream says about physics is laughably wrong but think the rest is okay, doctors notice that everything the mainstream says about medicine is laughably wrong but think the rest is okay, et cetera. You do not have Gell-Mann Amnesia. Everyone is terrible at everything all the time, and it pisses you off. You gain a reputation both for brilliance and for fearsomeness.
Everybody respects you, but nobody wants to hire you. You bounce from industry to industry, usually doing jobs for the people at the top whose jobs are so important that the need to get them done right overrides their desire to avoid contact with you. You travel to Riyadh, and find that the entire country is a mess.
His security forces are idiots. But the King is also an idiot, and refuses to believe you or listen to your recommendations.
It just sort of happened when your demonstration of how rebels in the military might launch a coup went better than you expected. Sometimes you forget how incompetent everybody else is. You need to keep reminding yourself of that. But not right now. How come nobody else is any good at urban planning? Red You choose the red pill. You become a weightlifter. But this fails to translate into lucrative endorsement contracts. Everything is so easy for you that your body just shrugs it off effortlessly.
Maybe the Internet can help. This is relevant to your interests! Somebody told you once that Internet sites are sometimes inaccurate. Pink You were always pretty, but never pretty pretty.
A couple of guys liked you, but they were never the ones you were into. It was all crushingly unfair. So you took the pink pill, so that no one would ever be able to not love you again. Tyler is a hunk. You touch him on the arm. His eyes light up. Then he gets a weird look on his face.
You wish you had thought further before accepting a superpower that makes people love you when you touch them, but goes away after you touch them a second time. You start to feel a deep sense of kinship with King Midas.
You live alone with a bunch of cats who purr when you pet them, then hiss when you pet them again. You must have him. You touch his arm. You move in together and are married a few contact-free months later. Every so often you wonder what it would be like to stroke him, or feel his scrawny arm on your shoulder. For example, ever since you took the grey pill, an increasingly large share of national GDP has come from ATMs giving you cash because you ask them to.
Your luck finally ends outside a bank in Kansas, when a whole squad of FBI agents ambushes you. You briefly consider going all Emperor Palpatine on their asses, but caution wins out and you allow yourself to be arrested.
The government offers you a plea bargain: You worry that your bluff has been called until you realize that, in fact, you are a master hacker. So you join the NSA and begin an illustrious career hacking into Russian databases, stalling Iranian centrifuges, and causing Chinese military systems to crash at inconvenient times.
No one ever suspects you are anything more than very good at programming. Once again, your luck runs out.