Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you. As I watch the shows with them, and marvel at the phenomenal writing! Yesterday in fact, Connie, not her real name for obvious reasons , was complaining that there doesn't seem to be any one book that single handedly deals with the prototypic New York City, or 'Urban Woman' looking for tips on mating.
Whether we choose to have kids or not, our hormones can be ordering us around, with the inevitable result that we start to think of 'mating up' by our late 20's, early 30's. I figure that if our biological clocks struck midnight at 55, we'd have a much more relaxed attitude about this whole thing! But how boring that would be, right, if men and women were thinking alike and on the same time-table, take all the fun out of life, right?!!
As we Connie and I began, I asked her to make a 'wish list' for a mate: Isn't that the fantasy we love to buy into? Of course the truth of it is that we all have a 'misery loves company' side of ourselves looking for the tarnish and tragedy along with the glitz and good fortune; that is the secret behind those celebrity magazines!
So, here is a little, or not so little secret. Or at the very least, there are the negative aspects to any positive. There is always the bad with any good. No need for guilt, or hand-wringing. It is not a comment on the decision you made. So, rather than feed into Connie's fantasy that of course she should 'go for it all', now mind you, this is a gorgeus, smart, and talented girl who you would look at and think: Looks in any way? Money, ambition, good career?
Good values, family, kindness? Hey, it's your dating and mating life, you get to pick the variables. Connie found this idea not only relieving, but hysterical. Next step was to dig through her dating history to get some idea of what the reality was looking like. Despite putting certain qualities at the top of her list in the past, she realized now that those particular qualities had never really worked out for her, or, as she puts it: Bad news, good news: These answers won't be in any self-help book, and it is where your creativity and individuality come in.
This is no cookie-cutter, or "Follow this path, take these steps and you will get to your pot of gold", kind of guide. But, here is the good news: No apology or justification necessary. There is no need to be politically correct! Given that truth, if you follow it, you will get the mate that really works for you, and it is doable!
Despite the odds, and the worry that there are hundreds of fabulous something girls out there going for the same fabulous guys. Here is your guide: If you are a 'dyed in the wool' feminist but know that you will end up wanting to kill a man who depends on you financially, don't just fantasize that somehow it will 'work out', if the guy truly doesn't have a clue or an interest in how to earn a living!
If you want to see yourself as the most open- minded girl who has dated every ethnicity out there but lands up realizing she needs to mate with a guy from a similar background, go for it! If you don't care so much about that but know you need someone who has a great sense of humour, go for that.
Figure out what your non-negotiable is, that piece of 'fabulous' that you have to have, then pick what you can 'live without' and can now 'trade-off'.
You can have more than one, don't worry. But don't get too greedy!!! Last piece here, the column I call the 'Traders'. This is your 'play money'. These are the qualities that if you get them, you are thrilled, but you can trade them in for others. It's kind of like: You get the picture. Now I know I said all that "this is your life and you get to pick your choices thing," right?
One thing I will tell you from a 30 year history with one man and raising three kids though: Because you're worth it.