Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you. Like any self-respecting and noble Cave of Wonders, Angry V has always done her part to inspire cravings for salt, stockpile jewelry, and hide money.
But it was never enough. Why am I really here? She wonders, stroking herself thoughtfully. And then it becomes clear - her birthright is to make a difference in the world. In an epiphany, she suddenly realizes her need to fill a void. Angry Vagina is thenceforth charged with purpose and joins a mobile dating app on her quest to locate void-filling providers known as "Penis Custodians" in order to invite world "piece" - one slip n' slide at a time.
But like any hero on The Path, challenges plague her along the way. Angry V thus encounters her first hurdle during Phase 1 of the journey when Rose-Goldie the iPhone, confronted with unbangable Penis Custodians, attempts to end her own life in a blaze of glory. Luckily, instead of dying forever, Rose-Goldie falls into a short coma called "Recharge Battery" from which only a long and satisfying electric plug can awaken her, not unlike Sleeping Beauty.
Similarly, Angry Vagina seeks her own plug and therefore returns to prey upon new Penis Custodians during Phase 2. Now more than ever, Angry V is ready to identify top-quality local shafts for the greater good of all.
Still, she must run a special race in order to catch her baton of choice before crossing the finish line. We therefore review the dating app "rules" as follows: Pacify her with electric plug if she complains. And so, returning to the game from a peaceful, powerful, and meditative space, not unlike a sage ninja warrior, Angry Vagina wonders thusly: What indeed, does it take to get a dick in this town?
Notably, zero matches have been found since the previous swipe sesh, and the stakes must be raised. But unlike before, she now gets even craftier about personal presentation. Peeking into her psyche, we now observe Angry V as she upgrades her profile for everyone to know the full extent of her sex appeal. Uploads new image of Self to make intentions clear to male suitors. Moves on to scrutinize more DNA dispensers from feed. Would I bang that guy? Swipes left Would I bang that guy? Swipes left Warning flashes on screen, indicating a photo has been removed from Angry V's profile.
Illuminati dating system against me. Puzzles over which new image to insert and discovers that a second image of her companion "Kitteh" performing the famous buttlick has also been discriminated against. What do these people want?
In frustration, decides to consult previous sorority sister named "X" for advice to combat dating app persecution. Not unlike Braveheart or Angry Vagina herself, "X" was also exiled from aforesaid sorority for "inappropriate awesomeness" and now advises on clever ways to thwart the authorities. Uploads full-body naked pic. Is satisfied with Self. N- New warning flashes on screen. Guy pretending to be straight told on me.
Or dating app Puritans are censoring feminism. Inserts new image of Self posing as King Arthur wielding a sword accompanied by a severed arm with a tiny middle finger. Redirects attention to newest Penis Custodian appearing in feed. Is too stupid to be cat guardian. Swipes left Super hot half-black guy. Swipes right New warning flashes on screen. Re-examines NonGay Wife pic for anything remotely offensive.
Trump supporters in dating app administration are offended by tiny fingers on severed arm. Will insert headshot from recent photoshoot instead. Wonders why no matches appear.
Methinks compulsive left-swipage has eliminated vast majority of Penis Custodians. Or mushroom-head owners think my profile is hoax and are not right-swiping. Can't help it I'm so good looking. Puts phone down in irritation. What if phallus providers forgot to swipe on superstar profile? Maybe they all took breaks to stroke shafts because Angry V's pics are too irresistible like Centerfold. Deflated nevertheless, Angry Vagina decides her self-worth is better served stockpiling likes on Instagram instead of sifting through more penis hopefuls for the time-being.
When a match finally appears, however, the real batshittery begins.