A few years ago I had my heart absolutely broken. The experience caused me to completely shut down emotionally. My relationships at that point would go something like this: I felt guilty but also kind of alarmed at my inability to feel anything. Eventually, I softened and started to warm up to the possibility of being in a relationship. This was when I met D. He was really cute, really sweet, had a good job, and seemed pretty much perfect for me. I knew he liked me a whole lot more than I liked him, but feeling terrified by the possibility that my heart had turned to stone and that I may never be able to love again, I stayed with it, hoping that the deep feelings he felt for me would eventually be reciprocated on my end.
We had been seeing each other for a little over a month when I sensed that my grace period was over. D would pester and push asking, in every way he could, why I so adamantly refused to be his girlfriend. He made some very valid points- we saw each other multiple times a week, we talked every day, we liked each other, we had met each others parents, so what exactly was my problem?
I fed him the usual crap, the sort that had been fed to me by guys so many times before: At the time, I truly, genuinely, wholeheartedly believed the things I was saying and, to some extent, they were true. The more he pestered me, the more turned off I got and the more I resisted allowing him to brand me with a dreaded label.
I mean, why did this guy want a girlfriend so badly? Was he bad with women? Is he so insecure that he needs a label? I did like D from the beginning, and I may have grown to really like him if he had given me the chance rather than trying to force me into feeling how he wanted me to feel when he wanted me to feel it.
Him giving me all the power in the relationship was also very unsettling. I mean yeah it was nice, but where is the fun and excitement in having someone at your mercy?
I knew that I controlled everything and it was really hard to be attracted to a guy that would let that happen. It made me cringe thinking back to how confused and desparate I felt and how I would badger the guy in hopes of getting what I wanted.
So what is it about the title? I guess by not being his girlfriend, I was pre-emptively avoiding all the messiness a breakup involves. Also, not being an official couple just made me feel safe, like there was still a distance between us that would prevent him from getting too close. I was terrified to let my guard down, who knew what kind of feelings and emotions would take hold if I did? What if he made me really like him and then broke my heart which actually happened to me in high-school and definitely had an impact.
I eventually relented and became his girlfriend. Not surprisingly, the relationship soon fell apart. The reason I felt compelled to share this experience is I think it may help to see things from the other side. In this situation, it is more than okay to adopt this adage: Do you have any additional thoughts to add?
Well please share in the comments section!